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Thursday, August 30th, 2001
10:07 pm - are you the now or never kind...
this is it

this is my last entry under notclvergirl
i will be starting a new journal in ny... i have the screen name.. if i haven't already given it to you you can ask me for it.. or look for the link on my profile under instant messanger.


i love you all.. its been great. you can still e-mail me... my new screen name is "nycshan" and my email is "nycshan@aol.com."


i hope new york is prepared for whats coming.

goodnight moon.

shannon

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Wednesday, August 29th, 2001
10:41 pm - every smile you fake
no one is answering the door.
is it a big joke? and im going to be the only one here eating dinner with mike?
which would be fine, but some people i want to see so much it almost hurts to think about them not being there.
should i go in?
i'll gone in.
no one is here.
check the basement, they are always in the basement.

the door won't open.
ok. phew.

the sound of guitar and drums flowed through the crak in the door.

walking down the stairs in the black dress that makes me feel pretty.

two of the most handsome boys sitting there. one slightly hidden in the corner, blonde hair peeping out.

"lemme change"

pink shirt and jeans.
i can't believe this is happening.
at least andy is here, and it won't just be me.

more doors opening.
a girls voice.
two boys.

the bathroom door where i am changing flings open.

"hi guys" i sing song out.

"hi babe" the little beautiful blonde sings back.
im missing her already and she just got here.

nate and ad fliter in, the hugs filling me up... making me feel good.

fozzy, the handsome host comes up the stairs, leaving the soft haired blonde boy to the basement and a guitar.

we go to the living room and have a conversation i will miss. there is nothing of real context to it, and we talk about everything and nothing but still feel like we are making very important points... and feeling even more proud when we make someone laugh.

andy comes upstairs and i am so glad they are all here.

emily comes in and gives me a pink rose. i feel special and know she is going to shine on stage this year. andy throws socks at me, and it makes me feel even better cause he cares enough to throw footwear at me.

emily filters out... to a speech meeting i wish i was going to.

the pizza gets here with a cake that says
"good luck shannon... i <3 new york"
i smile, and blush and don't really know what to say... how can a women be this nice?

we go and eat on the porch... funny converstaions flow out and i feel like i could sit here forever and be content.

max comes in. he looks so handsome in his glasses, and any girl that doesn't see this has to be blind. i know this year is going to stand out...in that good kind of way. girls are gonna be like "where did he come from?


paul comes in soon after.. making me feel like a million dollars.

anthony and dave??? so many people, didn't even know that they realized i was leaving. we talk around certain situations, and laugh at other ones.

manda is sitting there and i just want to go and hold her.

"lets go upstairs" i mouth.

we go to fozzies bed... which makes us so comfortable, and eves drop on the boys for a while.

i want to lie in the bed and go to sleep next to this girl that amazes me.


nothing matters right now.

we do silly things when we go back down, like watch the infamous "slap" in slow motion.

bye paul.

does he realize how adorable he is? i wonder.

we end up in the bed again. talking and sighing and holding each other. its comfortable, and i don't even take a second thought to how it may seem strange.

foz joins, and talking is nice. nick and dan arrive. i am so in love with dan. he is such a part of my life, and being in a sandwich with him and amanda is nice.

manda and i wisper and giggle under the blankets while the other boys come in, some to say their goodbyes.

the room is full of laughs and hugs and cuddles and rolls.

"dads here"

does he think im just gonna let him wave goodbye. going down the hall i think of all the things i want to say to him in my head...

you will be amazing.
you have no idea how much you give to the people around you...don't just shrug it off.
i love so much of you, i don't know what to do...its in a differnt way than anyone else i have ever known, and i think i got confused for a while on what kind of love it was... but i'm glad i didn't lose you.

of course i didn't say any of that.

"bye, i'll see you soon" with a half assed hug and so many words lingering in the air unsaid.

i go back down the hall and fool around with the others for a while.

but its time to go.

goodbye to the two boys who i was so excited to meet. i remember algebra with them, and how thrilled i was to have them know my name. i fascinated over them... they are the most unique amazing pair of boys alive.

bye max. max with the good hugs, and handsome look to him. goodbye tall glass of milk, talks outside langleys, the falls, and hands on my head. bye kiddo.

i love you amanda.

group hug. silliness to cover sadness.

walks to the door, hugs to fozzy who became such a big part of my life.

i can't say goodbye to manda... i need to go back and hug her again.

oh darling, dry your eyes.
its hard to choke back tears... why do i bother. cause i have to stay strong.
"i love you" i breathe out... muttering things trying to convince her and myself that it will be ok.
i'm not leaving you.

my hand up against the glass saying goodbye to max.

dan puts in a song. we don't talk. for a long time we don't talk.

"i can't do this" he chokes out.

more silence.

"i love you, i can't let you leave. why am i letting you leave???"

i want to hold him and sit with him and cry with him. tears blur my vision.

we go home.

"i can't say goodbye now. i need to see you tommorrow."

and so the night is over. i love this group of people so deeply its painful. i can't leave them.

but i am.

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Tuesday, August 28th, 2001
7:17 pm - its yet to be determined, but the air is thick, and my heart is feeling warn...
my heart is certainly feeling warn.
i just got a letter from vieve
and susie didn't call me at 6:00 like she said she would
and i miss them all so much
and i wonder if anyone could possibly understand what its like to miss people so much
it hurts
and its strange that i would be sad over this now
and not when i was saying goodbye
but i want to just do nothing with susie and drive around
and i want to go to dunkins with vanessa
and i want to lie in a bed of all white sheets smelling mangos and peaches with gen by my side
but i can't
cause i'm here
and they are not
i feel like i have lost something imortant
like me arm
or my heart.

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5:51 pm - joe boxer in blue
it may have been the sweetest thing i have heard in a long time.

my phone rang, and a dear friend of mine invited me over for dinner tomorrow before i left, very nice of him. but oh no, he has invited all the people i really want to say goodbye to as well. all my freinds who left last week had little going away parties, and now i do too. its very sweet of him and his mom.

i spent $200 on just bedding today. how does one do that? but it is ver comfy. i got joe boxer sheets, fun huh?
thats all.



oh yeah



i miss vanessa and susie.

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Monday, August 27th, 2001
9:28 pm - i have a cold and i'm not happy
what is wrong with me???
why do i keep passing up chances to party?
god, i'm going to be the boring college girl.
i feel so stuck here
natick is nothing when everyone is gone
its just
i want people i know to be back
i want the friendships that i had
and the ones i started to make
i weant to have a crush on someone for christ's sake
but nope
can't do that
cause i'm in natick

and i want to find my place.

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1:42 pm - stuffy noses
misunderstandings big time...

i suppose thats what you get when you aren't specific.

the people i was talking about are in this one little group. i feel as if my friends are divided up into groups.

the my grade group.
the jr. group (in which manda is in a group of her own, and i don't fit her in there really, she's too special)
the limbo group
the sheppy-haystack group

and i wasn't adressing you, my darling.

i am sorry for any misunderstandings, and i do plan on seeing your before i leave... because i love you. some people come into your life, and you can't help falling in love with them. i fell in love with you and your amazing knowledge of life. thank you for all that you have done for me. love you.

thats all.

goodbye.

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12:45 am - a rant...
live journal is making me mad because i can't see any of my friends pages.

i am also mad that i am left here in natick while those i love are off having a college experience.

i am also mad because some of the people that are here, don't seem to really care that i am leaving, and i say screw off to them. if they do-or have ever cared about me... they can call me and stop acting so nonchalant about my leaving for the rest of the year.


to those that have shown their love i appreciate it.

i love you babe.
and dan and nick.
and foz.

you guys have been the best and i love you showing me you care.


to the rest of you.

i did make an effort to become your friend, and take care of you and talk to you in times when you had no one else to talk to, or no one else would. when no one else would give you attention or love.

so fuck off.

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Sunday, August 26th, 2001
5:21 pm - sing sweet softly
i feel so stagnant.
i don't want to go out when people ask me
i feel horrible about it, but i just ... i just don't know.
it's really hard to explain.
i have horrible allergies, or a really bad cold. i don't know which one.
and i'm home alone until midnight tonight and i don't think i'm going out.

tomorrow i promised myself i would suck it it up and call my friends who will be staying in natick this year.

to side track a little...

it was nice to see elise the other night.
she really is an amazing person, and so comfortable to be around. i rememered why we stayed friends so long.

love,
shanns

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Saturday, August 25th, 2001
7:06 pm - who would have thought...
i wrote another entry at 3:00 am... but it didn't show up...

i can't repeat that entry... i was high on emotions then, and i'm not as much now...

but susie is my best friend and no one will ever compare to her...

vanessa corbett is the sweetest and most loving person, and i don't know how i will function with out her constantly by my side...

there were people there last night that made me realize where my roots were in my friendships... those friends i have that are more comfotable than my own skin.

not many people you can kiss and it just be a loving friendly kiss... or asking to be held a normal thing.

i don't know anyone else that i could sing on top of a trunk at 1:00 in the morning...

or that i could sob on their shoulder...

or that i could pretend to make out with in a truck too small for all of us...

i said goodbye to my two biggest life supports last night... but also found some friends i was missing.

go figure.

(comment on this)

7:05 pm - who would have thought...
i wrote another entry at 3:00 am... but it didn't show up...

i can't repeat that entry... i was high on emotions then, and i'm not as much now...

but susie is my best friend and no one will ever compare to her...

vanessa corbett is the sweetest and most loving person, and i don't know how i will function with out her constantly by my side...

there were people there last night that made me realize where my roots were in my friendships... those friends i have that are more comfotable than my own skin.

not many people you can kiss and it just be a loving friendly kiss... or asking to be held a normal thing.

i don't know anyone else that i could sing on top of a trunk at 1:00 in the morning...

or that i could sob on their shoulder...

or that i could pretend to make out with in a truck too small for all of us...

i said goodbye to my two biggest life supports last night... but also found some friends i was missing.

go figure.

(comment on this)

7:04 pm - who would have thought...
i wrote another entry at 3:00 am... but it didn't show up...

i can't repeat that entry... i was high on emotions then, and i'm not as much now...

but susie is my best friend and no one will ever compare to her...

vanessa corbett is the sweetest and most loving person, and i don't know how i will function with out her constantly by my side...

there were people there last night that made me realize where my roots were in my friendships... those friends i have that are more comfotable than my own skin.

not many people you can kiss and it just be a loving friendly kiss... or asking to be held a normal thing.

i don't know anyone else that i could sing on top of a trunk at 1:00 in the morning...

or that i could sob on their shoulder...

or that i could pretend to make out with in a truck too small for all of us...

i said goodbye to my two biggest life supports last night... but also found some friends i was missing.

go figure.

(comment on this)

6:54 pm - who would have thought...
i wrote another entry at 3:00 am... but it didn't show up...

i can't repeat that entry... i was high on emotions then, and i'm not as much now...

but susie is my best friend and no one will ever compare to her...

vanessa corbett is the sweetest and most loving person, and i don't know how i will function with out her constantly by my side...

there were people there last night that made me realize where my roots were in my friendships... those friends i have that are more comfotable than my own skin.

not many people you can kiss and it just be a loving friendly kiss... or asking to be held a normal thing.

i don't know anyone else that i could sing on top of a trunk at 1:00 in the morning...

or that i could sob on their shoulder...

or that i could pretend to make out with in a truck too small for all of us...

i said goodbye to my two biggest life supports last night... but also found some friends i was missing.

go figure.

(comment on this)

Friday, August 24th, 2001
4:53 pm - take me back to manhattan, that dear old dirty town...
my address at school

Shannon Connolly
231 East 55th Street
New York, New York
10022-4001

wow.

(comment on this)

12:02 am - sing sweet softly
i can not do this
i want things to go back to how they used to be
i want my couch in my living room with my coffee table with the broken glass and two tvs... only the crappy one with pennies stuck to the top working.

i want dan to be sitting on the couch telling me how much he is in love with vanessa and can't stand it, and how he hates the boy i like just because i like him and he could never treat me as well as dan thinks i should be treated.

i miss being younger with elise and vanessa, playing dress up and talking about moving in together in maine when we get out of college.

i miss susie bursting in talking about the concieted selfish girls in her school. roaming around my house like a hurricane, and yelling, and laughing until it hurts.

i miss van, dan, nick, tim, foz, greg, and gen sitting in my house telling funny stories.

i miss shep, and the night with malibu.

i miss sitting on my couch with andy, watching tommy boy.

i miss lieing in my room with tom. not talking, but not needing to.

i miss the night max came over with an electric shaver, and the cops came because sammy was playing the guitar too loud.

i miss bbq at shannons 2001... where i loved my porch talk, and i loved the whole world... at least everyone in the room at the time.

i miss waking up and not knowing who was next to me.

i miss the spot on my wall in my room where ben leavitt wrote "i love you shannon, and don't forget that." that was covered up by a poster when we broke up.

i miss my mirror that was spray painted black and had words in white out around it.

i miss the dent in my floor.

i miss the wooden cabinets, and making raviolli at all hours of the night, because those and diet coke were the only things we ever had in.

i miss my attick and all the functions it served in my life.

i miss that matress we used to drag from upstairs.

i miss rehersing lines in my living room.


i can't write this any more. i am losing my mind. what the hell am i going to do? i can't live without susie. i can't. she has been my life support since i knew what a friend was.

i haven't cried before, why am i now.

fuck.

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Thursday, August 23rd, 2001
9:53 am - living in your letters, breathe deeply from this envelope it smells like you and i can't be without
that scent it's filling me with all you mean to me...

she has snokey eyes
her makeup is smuged from not washing her face, and just falling asllep the night before.
when it's 4:00 you don't really care if your face is clean or not.
she woke up and put on her black lace tank top, and angelina jolie long sweater.
she looks strangely like a famous person when she gets dressed and heads out the door without showering...
lately she has been living in pictures
the emotions are so amazing, unlike anything she has ever felt before.
the hugging ones...the embarassing ones...the silly ones...the heartaches....

"is shannon going to be there tonight?"

he really asked that?

"yeap, he only asked if you were going to be there.

walking in the door...

he hugged her when he came in the room. she was lieing on the couch, eyelashes fluttering falling asleep.

his smile...

"i haven't seen you...."

right to me

big hig. the smell of his sweatshirt...

"shannon, did you see how excited he was to see you?"

yeah he was smiling...

"no he was so happy to see you, i was excited for you, it shocked me to see him that happy."



"shannon, get in a picture with him

blush*

later, i don't want to trample over everyone

"honey, get over here"

can't breathe, you are so stupid shannon.

hands on my shoulder, laughter...


i can't say goodbye to you...

"i'm going to miss you shannon...next year, training you and me are back together.... we're getting married."

don't cry smile. don't cry smile. don't cry...

waking up the next morning. that feeling in her stomache. he's gone. she can't breathe. she can't swallow. the weight of it all has set heavily on her heart.

all she has are those silly little things...

living in those pictures...

living without genevieve isn't easy. she's not here to hold her hand. she needs genevieve to hold her hand.

she needs people not to go to places like virginia, or pa...


she needs them back.

her smokey eyes flutter back tears that have been buliding up... the hardest goodbyes are yet to come...

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Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
6:33 pm - i dote on his very absence~W.S.
advice that you should take from me if you haven't yet graduated:
do all your applications NOW they are easy to do, so just get it done!

have all your friends apply to the same college and just go there...fuck names like harvard... go to the same school as your friends.

don't fall for anyone past the month of feb. because there is too much hurt in the process when you leave. and especially don't fall for them in the summer.

don't expect to get sleep 4 weeks before you leave for school. 2:30 bed time is WICKED early. and it's not just because you are out with your friends... its because you think that 1:00am is a good time to clean your room, or make cookies.

don't get mad at people before you leave just to make the goodbye easier.

hug everyone.

come and visit me in school, address information soon to be announced.

shan

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12:39 pm - oh no, here comes that sound again. that means another day without you my friend...
i don't know what to do with my self.
i feel like it's all been this dream...
like it's not really going to happen.
when i go out, i feel like every car that drives bye is going to be full of my friends and they are going to pull over get out of the car and say

"just kidding shannon, we're not really
leaving!"

all though highschool i never had friends my own age.
when i was a freshman and soph. they were all older with a few friends in my gread...
van, elise, ben the boyfriend....
but the rest of the time it was eric williamson, sean, mike etc...
then something happened... i'm not too sure what it was exactly... and i was left without that older crowd...
so instead of falling to the kids in my grade again i found the younger ones...


and now... this summer i actually find my little place among the wonderful people i never got to know... and they are leaving me...

and what the hell is my heart thinking???
why would it ever ever fall for someone leaving?
i tried all summer not to like him.
i tried so hard
i made myself think he found me annoying, and silly, and rediculous...
but he didn't.
i'm not saying he totally fell in love with me...
but he genuinely liked me.
we had fun together.
and laughed.
and he really wanted to hang out and be with me.
i could not say goodbye.
but he's gone.

shit.

how am i going to deal with vanessa leaving
saturday?
how the hell am i going to do that?
how about susie leaivng that same day.

shit.

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Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
11:55 am - i never imagined it would be like this...
so much has happened int he past 48 hours i don'r even know how ro begin to describe it all...nor do i really have the time...

but saying goodbye to genevieve was surreal... for some reason her being away hasn't hit me...

but matt.
wow.
i didn't realize it would be so hard to see him go. that night those things he said about me ment so much, and i am so greatful that i got to know him... but its so bitter sweet cause now he's gone.

dave. i hate this. dave left. i couldn't say anythign that really expressed how i feel when we were saying goodbye.



this is all so much. its all happeneing so fast. i haven't seen any of my. jr... err sr. friends in so long, and i want to... but i guess they are going to have to wait until next week.

i wish i had time to write a real entry... but here i am on the go... at vanessa's house now.


i love you all, and saying goodbye is so hard.

lots of love
shann

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Monday, August 20th, 2001
4:26 pm - pizza mans here
here i am at cps house..
getting ready for the big shindig tonight
hes yelling at me to go and help him clean
i oh so can not waitto see everyone... so many people are coming.

fuck you to my anon. poster...
at least sign your name so i know who feels this way at least.

btw i am changing my journal name when i leave.. it will be anonunced to certain individuals... for the rest of you people that rad and i dont knwo about it.. you will have to find another way of getting my new name.. like asking me :)

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Sunday, August 19th, 2001
6:07 pm - and it kills me to look into the mirror at myself,and it hurts even more to have to be somebody else
its like god picked a time when he knew i would have a lot on my plate...
and piled it higher...
really testing me to see how strong i can be...
and i don't know how i'm going to hold up ...
i don't think that i can be this strong...

in the past six weeks i have gone thorugh more family problems than anyone knows...and it hasn't gotten any better. and i don't mean like cousins and aunts in trouble.. but my mother, my father and myself.
i have had to move from 5 hillside road, my living room...the only place i could ever be myself...
i lost dan heyde, probably one of the best friends i have ever had, and one of the only people i have ever loved in the way i love him.
i have gained so much weight i hate everything about myself.
i am leaving everyone i have ever known behind, for a place that is so big that i'm afraid i'm going to get lost in it all.
i've struggeled with my faith in god, never knowing what to believe...
i have had ot deal with what i push off as a minor heartache, which was truly a major heart break that i refuse to admit to anyone, because it is the first time i haven't gotten the one that i wanted.


i can't deal with it all. everything is botteled up... and its so hard for it to come out... only once did it spill from me... on a roof one night... but that was only a drop of my problems. and that seemed like such a big problem, but its just as big as the other ones i have had to deal with.

i miss having that person i can just sob with. just cry into. i miss really big arms holding me and telling me its going to be ok.

and it kills me... that despite all the amazing people in my life... none of them oculd fill that role with me right now.. no matter how much i love them... no one fills that role with me.



and i feel like i am going to die.

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