Shannon (notclevrgirl) wrote,

and it kills me to look into the mirror at myself,and it hurts even more to have to be somebody else

its like god picked a time when he knew i would have a lot on my plate...
and piled it higher...
really testing me to see how strong i can be...
and i don't know how i'm going to hold up ...
i don't think that i can be this strong...

in the past six weeks i have gone thorugh more family problems than anyone knows...and it hasn't gotten any better. and i don't mean like cousins and aunts in trouble.. but my mother, my father and myself.
i have had to move from 5 hillside road, my living room...the only place i could ever be myself...
i lost dan heyde, probably one of the best friends i have ever had, and one of the only people i have ever loved in the way i love him.
i have gained so much weight i hate everything about myself.
i am leaving everyone i have ever known behind, for a place that is so big that i'm afraid i'm going to get lost in it all.
i've struggeled with my faith in god, never knowing what to believe...
i have had ot deal with what i push off as a minor heartache, which was truly a major heart break that i refuse to admit to anyone, because it is the first time i haven't gotten the one that i wanted.

i can't deal with it all. everything is botteled up... and its so hard for it to come out... only once did it spill from me... on a roof one night... but that was only a drop of my problems. and that seemed like such a big problem, but its just as big as the other ones i have had to deal with.

i miss having that person i can just sob with. just cry into. i miss really big arms holding me and telling me its going to be ok.

and it kills me... that despite all the amazing people in my life... none of them oculd fill that role with me right now.. no matter how much i love them... no one fills that role with me.

and i feel like i am going to die.
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