is it a big joke? and im going to be the only one here eating dinner with mike?
which would be fine, but some people i want to see so much it almost hurts to think about them not being there.
should i go in?
i'll gone in.
no one is here.
check the basement, they are always in the basement.
the door won't open.
the sound of guitar and drums flowed through the crak in the door.
walking down the stairs in the black dress that makes me feel pretty.
two of the most handsome boys sitting there. one slightly hidden in the corner, blonde hair peeping out.
pink shirt and jeans.
i can't believe this is happening.
at least andy is here, and it won't just be me.
more doors opening.
a girls voice.
the bathroom door where i am changing flings open.
"hi guys" i sing song out.
"hi babe" the little beautiful blonde sings back.
im missing her already and she just got here.
nate and ad fliter in, the hugs filling me up... making me feel good.
fozzy, the handsome host comes up the stairs, leaving the soft haired blonde boy to the basement and a guitar.
we go to the living room and have a conversation i will miss. there is nothing of real context to it, and we talk about everything and nothing but still feel like we are making very important points... and feeling even more proud when we make someone laugh.
andy comes upstairs and i am so glad they are all here.
emily comes in and gives me a pink rose. i feel special and know she is going to shine on stage this year. andy throws socks at me, and it makes me feel even better cause he cares enough to throw footwear at me.
emily filters out... to a speech meeting i wish i was going to.
the pizza gets here with a cake that says
"good luck shannon... i <3 new york"
i smile, and blush and don't really know what to say... how can a women be this nice?
we go and eat on the porch... funny converstaions flow out and i feel like i could sit here forever and be content.
max comes in. he looks so handsome in his glasses, and any girl that doesn't see this has to be blind. i know this year is going to stand out...in that good kind of way. girls are gonna be like "where did he come from?
paul comes in soon after.. making me feel like a million dollars.
anthony and dave??? so many people, didn't even know that they realized i was leaving. we talk around certain situations, and laugh at other ones.
manda is sitting there and i just want to go and hold her.
"lets go upstairs" i mouth.
we go to fozzies bed... which makes us so comfortable, and eves drop on the boys for a while.
i want to lie in the bed and go to sleep next to this girl that amazes me.
nothing matters right now.
we do silly things when we go back down, like watch the infamous "slap" in slow motion.
does he realize how adorable he is? i wonder.
we end up in the bed again. talking and sighing and holding each other. its comfortable, and i don't even take a second thought to how it may seem strange.
foz joins, and talking is nice. nick and dan arrive. i am so in love with dan. he is such a part of my life, and being in a sandwich with him and amanda is nice.
manda and i wisper and giggle under the blankets while the other boys come in, some to say their goodbyes.
the room is full of laughs and hugs and cuddles and rolls.
does he think im just gonna let him wave goodbye. going down the hall i think of all the things i want to say to him in my head...
you will be amazing.
you have no idea how much you give to the people around you...don't just shrug it off.
i love so much of you, i don't know what to do...its in a differnt way than anyone else i have ever known, and i think i got confused for a while on what kind of love it was... but i'm glad i didn't lose you.
of course i didn't say any of that.
"bye, i'll see you soon" with a half assed hug and so many words lingering in the air unsaid.
i go back down the hall and fool around with the others for a while.
but its time to go.
goodbye to the two boys who i was so excited to meet. i remember algebra with them, and how thrilled i was to have them know my name. i fascinated over them... they are the most unique amazing pair of boys alive.
bye max. max with the good hugs, and handsome look to him. goodbye tall glass of milk, talks outside langleys, the falls, and hands on my head. bye kiddo.
i love you amanda.
group hug. silliness to cover sadness.
walks to the door, hugs to fozzy who became such a big part of my life.
i can't say goodbye to manda... i need to go back and hug her again.
oh darling, dry your eyes.
its hard to choke back tears... why do i bother. cause i have to stay strong.
"i love you" i breathe out... muttering things trying to convince her and myself that it will be ok.
i'm not leaving you.
my hand up against the glass saying goodbye to max.
dan puts in a song. we don't talk. for a long time we don't talk.
"i can't do this" he chokes out.
"i love you, i can't let you leave. why am i letting you leave???"
i want to hold him and sit with him and cry with him. tears blur my vision.
we go home.
"i can't say goodbye now. i need to see you tommorrow."
and so the night is over. i love this group of people so deeply its painful. i can't leave them.
but i am.